Peek Pic 170

New painting for my bedroom wall, courtesy of artist extraordinaire, Tim.

Peek Pic 169

This morning my Dad says to my Mom: "Honey, this is NOT the way to make Key Lime Pie."

Random Thoughts #48 (Holiday Annoyances)

--My brother calls one of his sons "Matthew Buddy." I'm not really sure why he feels so compelled to add "Buddy" every time he speaks his name. I wonder if Matthew minds, because it drives me absolutely crazy. I hope at one point Matthew will be able to set boundaries with him and get him to cut that shit out.

--My mother has a habit of expressing love by doing things for people. Making you a sandwich, handing you the remote, and fetching the newspaper are all tools in her arsenal of love. Normally this isn't so bad, but if you're on crutches, the pestering never stops. I finally had to sit her down and ask her to stop being so relentless with her offers to help. I think I hurt her feelings a bit, but it was a nice adjustment to the rest of my trip.

--I bought my Dad a Harmony 880 Universal Remote for Christmas after he complained about all the remotes he had to juggle. I spent almost four hours setting it up and teaching him how to use it. He ranted and raved about it all day long. Then last night I heard him watching TV around 2am (he doesn't sleep very well) and got up to get a drink of water. As I walked back into the bedroom, I noticed he had his old remote in his hand. *sigh*

--It seems like the only thing my family is capable of talking about at Christmas dinner are things that make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end: George W. Bush, the war, how wonderful Joel Osteen is, blah blah blah. I felt bad, but as soon as I cleared my plate, I excused myself. They know my opinions differ on these issues, but seem to not recognize that it makes me uncomfortable. Next Christmas, I'm going to invite a friend (sorry guys, he asked first!) and we're going to talk about poppers and fisting.

--My parents love to offer unsolicited advice. Which also happens to be one of my biggest pet peeves. Examples of my parents advice: the best cold/flu medicine, the best instant peach-flavored tea, the best shows on TV, the worst brand of cinnamon rolls, the most efficient nighttime heat temperature, the most effective vitamin combination. Honestly, I'm not sure how I live without this information...

Peek Pic 168

Think of it as a Refrigerator Dewey Decimal System (for crazy people).

Get Yer Ass in the Kitchen, Woman (A Christmas Story)

It was 1979 and I was 9 years old. This particular Christmas my Dad had planned a big surprise for my mom, and told her repeatedly how much she was going to love her gift. He told her it would be something she's always wanted, how everyone in the family would love it, and that it was tailor-made for her. Knowing my Dad's sense of humor and keen wit, I'm certain he told her that she'd use this gift everyday to show him how much she loved him. He truly worked her into a wet-your-pants stupor about this gift.

Christmas morning brought a huge, perfectly wrapped box with a giant bow labeled "To Nancy From Santa." As the youngest, I was the designated present distributor and slid the box carefully across the room to her. Her face was glowing with excitement. My father beamed.

I'll never quite forget the face she made when she carefully tore off the wrapping paper. It was a perfect combination of utter horror masked caringly with feigned glee. All eyes were on her as she unwrapped it--not to see the gift, but the reaction. This year, Santa had brought her a brand new (and purposefully crappy) set of pots and pans. As instructed, we each devilishly chimed in about how awesome it was.

My Dad immediately helped her open the box and suggested that she take one of her new pots into the kitchen to make hot chocolate for the family. She agreed with the dutiful smile of a wife and mother, but with a glimmer in her eyes like that of the Boston Strangler. As an independent, well-educated and successful woman, we all knew she'd not take too well to the idea that pots and pans would make her life complete. "I think this one would be good to use," said my Dad, and handed her a well-packaged pot and lid, "You can take that plastic off in the kitchen." And so she did.

From the living room, we each listened quietly as we heard her removing the packaging from the pot. We heard a rip here, a tear there, and then the sound of the lid being placed on the countertop. And then: a tearful gasp. A loud one. Inside that pot, behind the carefully crafted ruse of the worst Christmas present ever, my father had taped an enormous diamond ring.

Without a doubt, that had to be the best hot chocolate she'd ever tasted...

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone!

Peek Pic 167

32-inch waist, 30-inch attic door. Not a good combo.

Another Dumb Blog Questionnaire

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? I need to shave.

2. How much cash do you have on you? $55.00

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR?" More!

4. Favorite planet? Hmm... Since there are an estimated 6 billion Jupiter-sized planets that we know of, it's really hard to say... Clearly, it's NOT Uranus.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Someone from my office.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? Vibrate.

7. What shirt are you wearing? An Old Navy pullover.

8. Do you "label" yourself? Only when I go to camp, so I don't get lost in the wash.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing? One Nike, One generic canvas cast shoe.

10. Bright or dark room? Dark.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? A smug prat trying too hard to be non-conformist.

12. What does your watch look like? Silver and black with white dots.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching TV.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? "Sure."

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? I have no idea.

16. What's a word that you say a lot? Actually.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? My sister.

18. Last furry thing you touched? Casey, my Beagle.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? Seven. (I have a little cold).

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? One, from 1989.

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 32.

22. Your worst enemy? Religious zealots.

23. What is your current desktop picture? Michael Phleps in a Speedo.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "OK, see ya later."

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? Flying, of course. If you could fly and couldn't make a million dollars with such a freakish skill, you'd be a serious dumbass.

26. Do you like someone? Kind of. Yes.

27. The last song you listened to? Theme song to "Dirty Jobs."

28. What time of day were you born? Somewhere around 1am I think.

29. What's your favorite number? 1

30. Where did you live in 1987? Baytown, TX.

31. Are you jealous of anyone? I have no reason to be "jealous." Envious, maybe. Not jealous.

32. Is anyone jealous of you? I seriously doubt it. Envious, maybe, but who knows.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened? Sitting at my desk at work in Kansas City.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? Get pissed, look around for validation, then put more money in.

35. Do you consider yourself kind? In most circumstances, yes.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? Arm or ankle, maybe.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? Spanish.

38. Would you move for the person you loved? Yes.

39. Are you touchy feely? Not generally, but can be.

40. What's your life motto? "Live and Learn."

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times? Watch, wallet and Treo 650.

42. What's your favorite town/city? New York City.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? A carwash.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? Yesterday.

45. Can you change the oil on a car? Can?: yes. Would?: no.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? That he got a new job.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry? I know that my grandparents were German. I'm not geneologically inquisitive.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? A suit, for a funeral. And who the hell says "fancy"?

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now? God yes.

50. Have you been burned by love? Only on the inside.

Happy List #5

Pumpkin Pie with Blue Bell Ice Cream
Halogen Lighting
Walkie Talkies
Thick Metal Cock Rings
Unexpected Thank You Notes
Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio
Altoids
Crock Pots
Magnum P.I. Reruns
Trapp Mediterranean Fig #14 Scented Candles

Groceries Galore

Finally, A Good Reason to Smoke

Random Thoughts #47

--The arrival of the mystery guest, Timmy, for those not paying attention (which apparently is all of you), was foreshadowed in the second paragraph of Random Thoughts #45. Tim, as he is known by most, is about 90% moved in and is actively avoiding my camera for a PWWO interview. Obviously, he cannot avoid me forever, so stay tuned.

--I'm heading home to Texas on Christmas eve, and staying until the 28th. Even though I waited until the very last minute, I still got a super-cheap fare on a non-stop into San Antonio. Sadly, they were not offering complimentary valium for my stay, so I'll have to rummage through Dad's medicine cabinet immediately upon arrival. Surely he has SOMETHING to ease the nerves. He does live with my mother after all.

--Can someone please tell me when inflatable lawn ornaments came into fashion? At first it was just a house or two over in "that" neighborhood. But now, they're everywhere. I swear I saw one with four real-life little people riding a reindeer merry-go-round. All in a snow-globe blizzard, naturally.

--I finally got my Christmas cards out today. Well, most of them. I was so terribly in love with the cards I bought I just had to hold on to a few of them for one more day. For those of you not quite so fortunate as to make my coveted holiday card-sending extravaganza (or just smart enough not to give me your address), you can see the card on the William Arthur Stationery Web site. My card is the middle one, with cute little secular snowmen. I know, I know. Adorable.

--So now I'm off to purchase the oh-so-personal-yet-curiously-perfect gift for each of my nephews and niece: The Giftcard. Now THAT'S the Christmas spirit! HOHOHO

Not exactly a motorcycle...

Sorry...

I've been busy with Timmy moving in.

I've been sick.

I've been sleeping.

I've been bored.

I've been depressed.

I've been eating like a swine.

I've not had anything to say/report.

I'm working on it... I really am.

Peek Pic 166

My new super-waterproof condom cast protection for the shower. From Dry Cast. Why I didn't get one of these on day one of the cast is beyond me. No more sitting on the shower floor with a garbage bag on my leg!

Random Thoughts #46

--Since it started getting icy this week, I sucked it up and got a temporary permit to park in handicap parking spots. The process in Kansas is to get a form filled out by a doctor, then go down to the DMV to obtain the permit. For the life of me, I can't understand why they make someone who is physically disabled make a special trip to the DMV. Is a doctor's signed attestation not sufficient? Is handicap parking fraud a huge problem in Kansas? That's a stupid law.

--This new cast of mine really sucks. The last one never made me itch, never made my ankle hurt, and was generally pretty benign save the inconvenience. This one, not so much.

--One of my biggest pet peeves when chatting online with someone is when they disappear in the middle of a conversation. I think there should be a unspoken rule that if you're not going to respond within a minute or two, you should tell the other person out of courtesy. "brb" doesn't exactly take a long time to type. To me, it's the online equivalent of walking out of room in the middle of having a conversation with someone. It's just rude.

--My friend Matt (yes, that Matt) called me recently to ask my advice on how to handle a co-worker that called him a "redneck faggot" while at work. I gave him three options: 1) Do nothing; 2) Wait a couple of days and address the issue with her face-to-face; 3) Contact HR and file a hostile workplace complaint. Obviously, each one of these options should be immediately followed by a sharp puncture wound to each one of her tires. But that goes without saying, right?

--I want to replace the corner desk I have in my upstairs study due to lack of work space. But for the life of me, I can't seem to find a decent L-shaped desk that fits this rather awkward corner. In the meantime, I have about 100 square feet of crap sitting atop a 20 square foot desktop and it's driving me nuts. I welcome any suggestions beyond the standard retailers...

--A friend of mine is trying to get me to use Bittorrent to find movies completely legal versions of shareware programs available on the internet. I got it all set up, found two torrents to DL, but after 12 hours, neither had completely downloaded. Using my standard method (newsgroups) in comparison, I DL'd three full-length videos in less than an hour. Either I'm doing something wrong or Bittorrent sucks.

Peek Pic 165

Do I cut the RED wire or the BLACK wire??

Nurse: Scalpel, Please

Yesterday I spent about ten hours working on my computer. Not working in the sense of "doing work via the computer," but working as in trying to fix it. It was one of those days where every single thing I tried to accomplish was closely followed by a series of other, more complicated problems.

It all started with trying to help my sister upload some software files I had on my machine. I figured the easiest way was to remotely connect to her machine, then download these large files from my machine via FTP. Only one problem: I don't have an FTP server set up. Here's the condensed version of what happened then:

--Call friend Mark to get advice on FTP
--Download Serv-U FTP Server software, read about FTP
--Configure FTP Server, to no success
--Re-configure FTP Server, to no success (repeat 1,327 times)

Finally, after about two hours of research, I determined that the FTP server wasn't working due to a firmware bug in my D-Link DI-624 wireless router. For whatever reason, this router prohibits file sharing in both the WAN/LAN environment. No fix. Here's the condensed version of what happened then:

--Research new wireless routers
--Determine new IEEE 802.11n protocol can stream HD video
--Get excited about buying a new router
--Go to MicroCenter and buy a new wireless router

Half-way through the set up of my new D-Link DIR-625, the CD-ROM I use starts acting funny. After a series of checks and reboots, it starts to fail and causes my machine to crash and reboot. After several hundred attempts to restart, I decide something's really wrong. Here's the condensed version of what happened then:

--Run various BIOS diagnostics, no improvements
--Detach and reattach IDE cables, no improvements
--Remove and reset DDR RAM sticks, no improvement
--Remove and reset processor and fan, no improvement
--Decide problem may be a bad power supply
--Go back to Microcenter for a new power supply
--Get helped by very cute and knowledgeable sales person
--Flirtatiously buy a new 250G hard drive and LightScribe DVD/CD-ROM burner
--Return home to replace/add said peripherals
--Hold breath, cross fingers, hum Tibetan chant

It worked!! I actually fixed something without breaking five other things! Now, if I could only remember why I started doing all this in the first place... Oh yeah. Downloading porn, of course. Now, back to work!

Peek Pic 164

I swear I'm raising a goat.

Furburger. Rare, please.

Just a little story to get you through the weekend...

Tonight I was cutting my hair in the usual fashion: sitting on the ground on a towel in front of a full-length mirror. As you probably saw here, I let the hair clippings fall into the towel and generally don't shake it out into the trash for 4-5 cuttings. Basically, it's a big ole hair pile.

But during the middle of this trim I heard the jingle of an instant message from my friend, so I got up from the towel and hobbled over to the computer for a quick chat. When I was done, I went right back to the towel and proceeded to finish up. But I noticed something was different. The towel was practically spotless. I thought to myself, "Hmm, I don't remember shaking the towel out. That's really weird."

And then in the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of Casey with the proverbial canary feathers sticking out of the corners of his mouth. He had hoovered the entire towel of hair. I haven't been that grossed out in a LONG time. If he pukes, that's SO going up as a Peek Pic.