Crush, Actually

Now I'll admit, I'm not dying of cancer or some other rare disease that would make me eligible, but in the unlikely event that I find myself in that terrible situation, I want to formally submit my "Make a Wish" request: I want ONE date with the handsome young man on whom I've got a secret crush. No Disney World, or African safari, or a evening chugging Jesus juice with MJ. Nope, all I want is a little ME time with the cutest guy on the planet.

I don't frequently get "crushes." My narcissistic personality disorder prevents me from liking anyone more than myself. And given my acute self-loathing, a crush usually just isn't in the cards. But lately I've developed one on an unlikely victim subject. I don't want to spill the beans, nor do I want to embarass him or cause the paparazzi to dig through his trash due to my infatuation. I also wouldn't want to ruin his perfect relationship with his HOT boyfriend (or [doubtfully] girlfriend), or make him uproot his budding career in CA to move to Kansas City just to be my lover. I also don't want to throw off his otherwise fantastic taste--I don't think shrubs in the shape of my torso, or painting murals of my backside is really what the Jones' are chasing these days.

All I CAN tell you that he's a regular on an HGTV show and that I get a bit flustered at the sight of his smile. But that's it. OK, and that his red hair makes me swoon. And that he's as adorable as the day is long. Oh and did I mention he's incredibly soft-spoken, has a very gentle way about him, and best of all, knows his way around the outside of a house (although that copper water-thingy was just a bit outside my comfort zone--but like all good relationships, I talked myself through it and eventually came to terms with it). And regardless of what anyone might tell you, I have NOT kissed the TV while he was on. Seriously. I didn't.

So Make a Wish Foundation--I'll expect that you study this post hard so that if I DO need an emergency wish granted, you'll be able to figure out who this young man is and you can have him prepared for me. And make sure he showers and doesn't bring that dorky sidekick Rick along. Or, better yet, you may want to go ahead and help him get the restraining order.