Money, Laundered

For about the past month, my washing machine has been growning and howling like an ox in heat. I can hear it moaning in agony from the basement all the way up to the second floor. Since I got it in 1994, I figured I would just let it die a slow death. This weekend, she croaked (and I know that it's female b/c our relationship lasted so long).

I'll confess to being somewhat out of touch with the progress in laundry appliances in the last ten years. I just assumed that I could go to Best Buy or Sears and pick up a new one for a few hundred bucks and call it a day. Oooooh, no. While I wasn't looking, someone started to make washing machines "fabric care systems." Apparently, like the one I bought, these things are "constantly capturing data and adapting the washing and drying cycles to optimize cleaning performance." Instead of the previous cleaning formula (water+soap+agitate), they now have an intricate combination of data points like Pressure Switches, Tachometers, Flow Meters and the nifty-sounding AccuWash Sensor. Unfortunately, unlike the prices of other electronics where innovation drives DOWN costs (like $49 DVD players, etc.), the price for a new fabric care system has skyrocketed. So much so that I actually considered a metal bucket and a washboard.

On Sunday, my new "friend" M. and I traveled to Sears to take a look at replacing the old washer (god rest her soul). The lady who helped us proceeded to show us about 20 different brands and models, each with a completely different set of complicated specifications and benefits. The only real differentiator I could latch on to was that some can wash a Queen-size comforter, and others, a King-size comforter. Since I've never in my life washed a comforter, I asked her to stop using that as a reference point. Sadly, she was unable to tell me how many pairs of sweaty jock straps they could hold, so I just let it slide. I'll be sure to let her know so she can further her already extremely unnatural knowledge of laundry.

Now M. was certainly no help in this process. In fact, I think he may have teamed up with the sales lady and split the commission. Paraphrasing...

"I think the front loading ones are cool."

"Yes, but they're three times as expensive."

"Well, I'm just saying. They're cool."

"I don't need cool laundry appliances."

"That's OK, I just like them better, though."

"Quit saying that."

"What? You can buy the other ones, I'm sure they'll be just fine."

This was a bit like trying on clothes and having a friend say "Eh" or "What about that other one?" "Maybe a different size." Subconsciously, I felt pressure to consider the front loaders. And then something magical started to happen. I began to rationalize, er, appreciate the value of the front loading fabric care systems. I can wash 22 full-size bath towels in one load. Instead of 45 gallons of water, these only use 15. And while my current dryer takes about an hour to dry a small load, I can do a extra large load in only 25. Hmmm.

So now I'm the proud new owner of a Whirlpool Duet Fabric Care System. I'm hoping what Whirlpool told me was the truth and that I'll actually do fewer loads of laundry, spend more time with family and friends and even realize a 68% energy savings. And even all of those things don't work out, I'll still have a really cool fabric care system. Now, where can I buy 22 bath towels...?