Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Potty Pathologies

I have issues with public bathrooms. I'm not exactly sure where I formed my freaky little hygiene pathologies, but they frequently plague me when I have the urge to go. When these sensibilities are stressed, generally by others, I have one of two reactions: 1) an immediate need to leave the bathroom (a.k.a. panic); and 2) giggling. And while people routinely come in and out of the bathroom, I'm pretty sure no one likes a giggler in the john.

Issue 1: I am completely unable to do #2 in a public restroom when others are present. Thankfully, the second floor of my office building is occupied by an internet-based academic institution that employs mostly female administrative types. This leaves the men's room on this floor generally unoccupied. One of my co-workers, with whom I have shared this secret, refers to this as my "office." As in, I think I better swing by the office on the way up the stairs. If it were not for this little second floor sanctuary, I'd probably have ruptured my colon by now.

Issue 2: Even as a mature adult that has studied human behavior in a clinical setting, I think bathroom noises are funny. I am often amazed (and envious) of those that can simply sit down in a stall and make horrendous sounds and smells without an ounce of shame. A couple weeks ago I was standing next to a co-worker at the urinal, when he proceeded to expel what was at minimum a 20-second fart. That might not seem like a whole lot, but if you're standing inches from the said farter, it's an enternity. I vibrated. Shamefully, I was only able to mutter one word, "Goodness!" before I teared up and burst out laughing. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look at him again in the same way, and I hope like hell my chuckling didn't encourage this kind of behavior in the future. If he ever traps me in the bathroom again, I'm going to have a double reaction--running, while laughing.

2 Comments:

At 10:45 AM, Blogger Ms Smack said...

Issue: I work in a building with mostly female stuff [ I am also female] and share your concern with the Number 2s. I used to sneak down to a different level of our building, thinking well, if someone hears me [despite that clenching we both know] at least they wont know my name, or see me again. THEN I started to use the wheelchair access toilet, because at the time, we had no disabled staff and it was a single room, not a shared cubicle.

In addition, when we sit down to wee, often a little expulsion of air happens, whether number 2 happens or not. And yes, I've laughed, when its happened to the absolute horror of the farter in the cubicle next to me.

Finally, our toilet brushes were removed. Yes! They were removed. They were replaced with wet disinfectant wipes to wipe the seat first, and thats it. So, my advice to you ....

wipe the seat even if you have to spit on the paper,
and lay some toilet paper down first. It catches the deposit, cough at the same crucial time to minimise sound effect, and flush as soon as possible.

I'm terrified of it , dont get me wrong, but sometimes, when ya gotta go, you gotta go.

x honeysmack

 
At 1:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happened to me in Carmel, CA 3 1/2 years ago ... I was draining my dragon in the bathroom while my mom was standing outside waiting for me. On the other side of the bathroom was this big 250lb dude who farted so loud that I swear paint came off the ceiling. I'm not sure what he had for breakfast that day, but it lasted for like 30 seconds and I suspect it didn't smell all that great either, but I can't smell s..t (literally) so that part didn't bother me, however the sound of explosion got me laughing so hard, I could barely put my pants back on. Anyway I walked out laughuing and found my mother laughing her a.s off. apparently she heard that dude cutting the cheese and couldn't help but laugh. I guess apple doesn't fall too far from the tree in my case ... However I have no problem laughing when people fart, I guess what goes around, comes around and when I'm gonna be like 80 years old and farting all the time I should be ready for people laughing at me.

 

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