Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Neighborhood Newsletter (sort of)

Members of the Fairway Squirrel Association (FSA):

We hope that each of your summers have been chocked full of nuts and that this letter finds your teeth sharp and tails bushy. I am writing to congratulate each of you on your excellent representation of the rodent community in Fairway this summer. It was one of our best in years!


First, I want to congratulate the Grey Squirrels on Canterbury Lane. It appears that they dug over 10,000 holes in the yards of the humans and didn’t lose ONE family member to trapping or poison. Way to go guys—an FSA record! Also, the Red Squirrels on Windsor living in old lady Smith’s garage got her so mad that she tried to shoot them with a pellet gun. We think she accidentally shot her grandson instead!! We had a good laugh over that one at the lodge. Nice work, Reds!

In memorandum, we’d like to take a moment of silence for the 53 FSA “runners” trying to bring supplies to the other side of the road. Though your rotting carcasses are now just black spots in the cement of life, we thank you for your service to the Cause. Also, let’s spend another 10 seconds for Frankie, whose desperate search for a modern apartment sparked [literally] the worst transformer incident we’ve had in years. You never would have expected such a smart guy to touch both the wires. NEVER touch both the wires!

Last, and the most important reason I write to you today is to warn you about what could be the most serious threat to the FSA in years. And I think you ALL know who I’m talking about—that completely deranged tall guy with the goofy looking Beagle. Though they may seem mild-mannered while on their walks or doing business in the back yard, I assure you that they are extremely dangerous. Fellow citizens, this man is out to get us.

Word has it that he believes we were responsible for the destruction of his soaker hose in his flowerbeds (though we have evidence it was the Chipmunks) and the occasionally flickering spotlight on the far side of the house. Granted, the nasty turf war with the Gophers did cause some flower fatalities, and the VERY nasty Fox Squirrel divorce didn’t exactly make his yard look presentable, but that is no reason to be so angry. Our field officers on his roof claim that he has been spotted throwing plastic footballs and ice cubes at our citizens, and frequently encourages the Beagle to “Get ‘Em” (though that never seems to work). He has also been overheard making threats to capture and torture one of us until all other squirrels agree to get off his property. Be prepared for this--we will not negotiate with savages!

Just be careful out there, folks. We know he’s got some great oak trees, and one HELL of fertile garden. But watch your tails. This man is armed and dangerous, and we believe he may be harboring Weapons of Squirrel Destruction that may harm or displace hundreds of squirrels in the surrounding area. Good luck, and please be reminded that dues should be paid in full by the first snow.

Nutfully yours,
Ralph

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