Spanish Soap Opera

(Open on: Dave's Upstairs Bedroom.) E. (the housekeeper) is vaccuming intently. A Spanish soap opera is turned ridiculously loud on all televisions in the house.

Me: [Over the vacuum]. Hi E., Can we talk for a second?

E: [With a VERY thick Guatemalan accent.] Hi, Mr. Dabid. Ju sneak up on me! [Vaccum turns off].

Me: Sorry, E., I just want to talk to you about a few things that I’d like you to do differently when you clean the house.

E: OK, Mr. Dabid. I hope ju are happy weeth my cleaning. [Both sit down slowly].

Me: Oh I am, I definitely am, it's just that I’ve noticed a few things we should change. Like, when the shelves and side tables are dusted, my pictures are always completely rearranged. I’d like you to try your best to put them back in the same place you got them.

E: Ju no wants me to touch de peekchures, Mr. Dabid?

Me: No, no. It’s not about touching the pictures; it’s about putting them in the same spot where they were before. I’m just really anal-retentive, and they’re always rearranged after you clean and that stimulates my pathologies.

E: [Blank stare].

Me: Um, OK. Let’s move on to the next one.

E: [Points to Casey's crate.] Ju know I let Casey out of hees box and talk to heem in Spanish, jes?

Me: Yes, I do, and I know he appreciates that. He told me that he likes you very much.

E: [Eyes wide, slapping my knee] Mr. Dabid!! Casey does NOT talk?!?!

Me: OK, I was just kidding. But I'm sure he does like you very much.

E: Oooooh, HA HA HA. Ju skeered me there, Mr. Dabid.

Me: OK, now the shower.

E: Ju wants me to geev Casey a chower?

Me: No, no. No shower for Casey. It’s just that the new stone tile in the shower really shouldn’t have harsh chemicals on it. Last time it was cleaned there was a whitish residue on the floor, and I was a bit concerned about that.

E: [Blank stare]. Ju no like de way I clean de chower?

Me: No, the shower is always very clean; I’d just like you to use regular soap and water.

E: [Laughing]. Mr. Dabid, I no use soap and water, I use de Tilex for de chower.

Me: Yes, I know that, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to use that on the stone.

E: [Blank stare]. [Pause]. How wheel de shower get de cleaning, den?

Me: Well, just soap and water would work, right? And maybe a soft brush?

E: Ohhhh. Well ju gotta buy dat for me den, Mr. Dabid.

Me: Yes, I will. I’ll get you some special soap and a really good brush.

E: I lie de brushes weeth de robber handles. And I need more vacuum bags. And Weendex. I only have left a leetle in de bottle.

Me: OK, I’ll be sure to pick those up for you, too.

[Pause]

E: Are ju CHOOR you lie my cleaning, Mr. Dabid?

Me: I absolutely do, E. I couldn’t keep this house up without you.

E: [Big Smile] Dats nice for ju to say dis.

Me: No problem. I really appreciate all you do for me.

[Long pause].

E: For all thees new stuff, do ju think my cleaning is worth anudder tweenty dollars?

Me: [Blank stare].