Accommodating Accommodations

This is a busy time of year at work, which means a fair amount of travel for me. One of the things I hate most about traveling is the hotel. Practically every hotel I visit is riddled with inconveniences. During my last hotel stay, I had the opportunity to chronicle some of those problems:

1. Electrical Outlets. I shouldn't have to move furniture to find a plug for my phone, laptop or the provided iron. There should be at least two plugs on every wall. Shoulder-high so I don't have to bend over to plug it in.

2. Coffee. There should always be a coffee pot in every room. It should have a timer on it, and it should be stocked with more than two dinky packets of one creamer, one sugar and one stirrer.

3. Free Wireless Internet. Charging me $10.95 for less than an hour or two of internet access is absolutely absurd. Especially when I'm paying close to $300 for the night. If the god damn Courtyard Marriot can do it for free, why can't Daddy Marriot do it, too? To me, it's the equivalent of charging for cable TV. It's an absurd business practice.

4. Lights. All lights should be connected to a switch on the wall, and there should be a master switch directly next to the bed. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to bed and had to get up and turn 3-4 different lamps off by hand.

5. Water pressure. If I wanted to be peed on, I know exactly who to call where to go. I want pressure that will make my skin bleed.

6. Shower curtain. And while I'm on the subject of showering, I thought it would be appropriate to express how disgusting it is for me to come in contact with a wet shower curtain. A rounded shower curtain would fit perfectly and meet my sanitary requirements.

7. Bottled water. After a long, thirsty day of travel, you shouldn't greet me with a large bottle of water on the dresser with fine print at the bottom saying the water cost $8.50. That's just rude.

8. Ironing Board. Every hotel in America should have a full-sized ironing board and a reasonably new iron in every room. There is a special place in hell for hotels that make people iron on those little midget ironing boards. Or should I say Litle People ironing boards?

9. Decent Towels. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out when a towel has met it's match. If it's lost it's fluffiness, it should be auctioned off to Motel 6 and replaced. Oh, and they should be big enough to wrap around my waist so when I go get ice, no one sees my ass.

10. Housekeeping. Housekeeping should never knock on your door prior to 10am. Last week I had one knock at my door about 7:45am. At that hour, she isn't entitled to a friendly "come back later, please."

If somebody could get this right, they'd have a customer for LIFE.