The Christmas List

I do a lot of thinking on airplanes. It's a peaceful time for me, usually (thanks to my earplugs). On Friday as I was flying back to KC, I happened upon the Sky Mall magazine and thought that it would be a good opportunity to make my Official 2005 Holiday Gift List. So, if anyone out there is in the holiday spirit and want to know what to get me, here ya go:

Sometimes a guy just needs a leg massage and can't find anyone to help him, or, he just gets really tired of rubbing himself. These Air Massage Boots will solve all my leg massaging problems. I think maybe I could take them to work and wear them under my desk. She really looks comfortable, I can't wait. $139.99.

You can't really honor your loved ones without a Personalized Garden Bench. In fact, each bench is engraved with a heartfelt poem. I chose: "Walking with Grandma and Grandpa: I like to walk with Grandma and Grandpa. Their steps are short like mine. They never say "Now hurry up," they always take their time. Most people have to hurry, they never stop to see. I'm so glad that God made grandparents "Unrushed" and young like me." $199.95 + $50 shipping.

No household is complete without The Sword of Archangel Michael From The Vatican Collection. According to SkyMall, "In splendid bas relief [I learned that this is a method of engraving, who knew], his legendary deeds are portrayed. The casting out of Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. His fight of the Angels against the legions of Satan. The compassionate rescue of tormented souls. And the dramatic victory over "The Serpent". Each scene is meticulously detailed. Set with brilliant crystals and tastefully plated in 24-karat gold." $395.00.

And on those cold winter nights when the lights are off, and you've forgotten the way to the bathroom or the refrigerator, these handy Lighted Slippers will light the way! I plan to walk Casey around the neighborhood in them so we don't get scared in the dark. Maybe they come in puppy sizes, too! $39.95.


And who wouldn't want to be constantly refreshed with your personal Ultra-Mini Air Supply? This unique, laboratory tested ionic wind technology projects trillions of air cleansing ions from its grill that electronically charge pollutants, resulting in cleaner, fresher air. I can wear this out to the bar to filter out my own cigarette smoke, or breathe a lot easier when I am Casey is gassy. A bargain at $129.00.

And speaking of toxic fumes, my holiday list wraps up with the ultra-stylish Emergency Escape Hood to give me 15 life-saving minutes to keep my lungs blessedly free from deadly gases and carbon monoxide. I also plan to use this on a daily basis to protect myself from the smell of curry in our lunchroom (we outsource, ya know). I could use a few of these. $75.00/ea.

So start saving now! I'm sure these items will sell like hotcakes. If I get them all, I'll take a picture of me sitting outside on the bench with my leg massagers and lighted slippers on, sword at my side, ready to take on the pollutants of the world.