Outsourcing

On the plane home from Boston I stumbled across an article asking for me to "Outsource my Personal Life." I am all for this. In fact, I've already worked out the array of tasks I'm going to outsource. I wonder if someone from India will do this for me. I hope not. Here goes:

--Outsourced Dave will workout twice daily. Cardio in the morning and weights in the evening. He'll also do a 2-hour abs class on Saturday for me. And he will call me on my cell immediately if there is a hot guy in the steam room.

--Outsourced Dave will date regularly. This will include dinner, movies, maintaining interesting conversation, fielding all telephone calls, text messages and e-mails, cuddling and pretending to be interested. I will handle all sexual activity until I get bored, in which case Outsourced Dave will dump him.

--Outsourced Dave will read and summarize all NY Times bestsellers.

--Outsourced Dave will pick out cute, hip clothes for me at rock-bottom prices. He will ensure that all my relatives get something cute for their birthday and Christmas. Said gifts should be wrapped in adorable paper with a matching (but not too matching) bow.

--Outsourced Dave will call each of my friends and family members on a weekly basis to tell them I said Hi and catch them up on how my life is going. He will ask a series of questions about each of them and will document the results.

--Outsourced Dave will attend all work-related social activities.

--Outsourced Dave will attend regular Alcohol, Overeaters, Narcotics, Sexaholics and Codependents Anonymous meetings. He will report our progress weekly.

I can't wait to get this going. If I just send in $19.95, I'll have all I need to get started! Anyone want to apply?