Good Cop, Bad Cop, Part 1 of 2

[Note: I have invited my good friend and former co-worker Mike to be my featured guest blogger for today. Naturally, I asked him to speak about me only in the best possible light. But, he never listens… Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mike.]

*tap tap* Is this thing on?

Today I want to post a little about a side of Dave that he never talks about in his blog. I've known Dave for quite a while and have worked both for and with him in various aspects of our jobs. This has given me a lot of insight into his personality--even the dark side. At the office, we affectionately call him "Mean Dave." Mean Dave is Dave's alter ego and is quite the intimidating creature. At nearly 6'3" with a booming voice and a razor-sharp tongue, he’s infamous around the office (and now, around town). Here's a recent real story…

Dave mentioned in one of his posts that one of the things he can do is negotiate. Having worked with Dave quite a bit, I can tell you that this is true statement. And when I say negotiate, I mean he almost always gets his way. Last week, over lunch, I invited him along to "look" at a new Nissan Murano with me. Luckily, he brought Mean Dave along with him... and boy, was it fun. We started with the usual car salesman dance:

Salesperson (Leon): So, if we can get you a good deal on your trade would you be interested in buying the Murano?
Mike: Only if the numbers are right. And we should get moving, we're on a super-tight schedule.
Leon: Right, I'll go see how things are going with your trade.

[Leon leaves. Many minutes pass. Leon returns].

Leon: Mike, would you mind signing this paper, just to let us know you're interested?
Dave: We said we're interested didn't we? You're gonna have to take us for our word. He's not signing a blank piece of paper.

[Mike signs the paper. Dave officially comes unglued. Leon takes the paper back to his boss.]

Dave: Why, on God's green earth, are you signing a blank piece of paper?
Mike: Leave me alone. We're in a hurry. I just wanted to move the process along.

[Leon returns. More back and forth. Finally, the sales manager, Dustin, arrives.]

Dustin: Nice to meet you, I'm the sales manager.
Mike: Nice to meet you, I'm Mike and this is my grumpy sidekick, Dave. [Dave stares].
Dustin: Here's what we came up with: Here's your trade, here's the MSRP, here's your purchase price and here's your monthly payment. [Written on the blank paper I previously signed].

[The deal is a good one. A very good one. I'm shocked. So is Dave.]

Mike: That payment includes everything, right?
Dustin: Yes. All taxes, title fees and all other charges.
Mike: So I can walk out of here in 10 minutes with the Murano and that will be my monthly payment? No out of pocket expense.
Dustin: Yup.
Mike: Sales tax is included in that number, right?
Dustin: Yes.
Mike: Ok, you've got a deal.
Dustin: Let me get the final paperwork over to Finance and we'll get you outta here.

[I shake hands with Dustin, followed by a hand shake with Leon].

Dave and I wait for the finance guy….and wait….and wait….and wait. One thing that Dave didn’t have to teach me was patience – because he doesn’t have any either. Finally we get up to make an unannounced appearance in his office when Dustin comes over.

Mike: So you guys about ready to get me outta here?
Dustin: [With a sad, apologetic look. Both hands in his pockets]. Guys, I’m not sure what happened during our calculations, but I screwed up.
Dave: Hmmm. [Sarcasm, with a slight tone of "do you feel lucky, punk?"]
Dustin: We miscalculated your payment. It should actually be _____ ($74 more per month).
Dave: Oh no, no, no. The negotiations are over, Dustin. You made an offer, he accepted and you shook hands. I witnessed it. Whatcha have there is a done deal that we expect you to honor.

[Though he won't admit it, Dave likes to argue, and this was an invitation for a serious knock-down, drag-out. I think I actually saw him drool.]

Mike: [Trying to keep things nice]. Now, how did you get to the new figure?
Dave: Wait, wait, wait. That doesn't matter, Mike. You'll be taking your car for the negotiated and contracted price, no less. [At this point, Dave is no longer using his inside voice--not that he ever has much of one of those anyway].
Dustin: I'm sorry, man, we screwed up. We just can't sell it for that price.
Dave: I'd argue, Dustin, that you already did. You shook HANDS. It's written on the PAPER. And SIGNED. And WITNESSED.
Dustin: [Dustin tries the retreat tactic and turns to me. For Dave, this is a lot like a lion chasing a rabbit.] Look, I don't know how this happened, but we just can't do this.

For the next few minutes Dustin proceeds to adjust numbers and figures on his 1984 desktop computer with a DOS-based finance application. I am genuinely trying to get the numbers to work, because I want this car. Dave on the other hand, is standing outside the glass office pacing and spewing not-so-gentle reminders of our deal with Dustin. I'm pretty sure an F-bomb or two was dropped. Poor Dustin was trying really hard to ignore him, which of course was just making it worse.

To be continued.