Too Much Information

Saturday, 5:15 p.m. I enter my regular tanning place and say "Hi" to Gail the receptionist, who also serves as the keeper of the magic timer and peddler of overpriced lotions. She informs me that I must wait a couple of minutes while her sidekick cleans my room. I sit in the nearby waiting area and open a magazine. No sooner than I got to the table of contents, Gail begins chatting with me:

Gail: "I'm sorry your room wasn't ready. We were too busy reading this juicy survey in Cosmo."

I thought for one fleeting moment to let this go, but I mentally shrugged my shoulders and went after her conversation-bait like a fish to a worm.

Me: Ahh. [Pause.] Well, what's it about?

Gail: It's called "Sex Tips From Guys." They asked a bunch of guys what makes a woman, or a man I guess, unforgettable in bed.

Me: [Chuckles]. Seems like the tips might be a little different if they were talking about men.

Gail: Yeah, good point. But not all of them!

Me: So which one is your favorite?

Gail: Well, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but what the hell. This one says "When we're doing it missionary style, put your legs up on my shoulders. It feels so good to be so far inside you, and the way your breasts squeeze together and get bigger is incredibly hot." [Pause]. Can you believe that?

Me: Wow. [Raises eyebrows]. That's pretty descriptive.

Gail: [Looks at the magazine for a second, then at me]. Eh, it's a bunch of shit. I mean, I don't know who he's fuckin', but when MY legs go up above my head, my tits are in my armpits!

Thankfully, it was only a matter of minutes before I was able to stare directly into the ultra-violet bulbs and forever burn that image out of my mind's eye. Some things, especially for overly-talkative tanning bed receptionists, are best left unsaid told to bloggers.