Two Horns

While I was out for lunch today I was behind a cop--a policewoman to be exact. I followed her for about a mile then we came to a red light. When it turned green, she was busy typing something into her computer. I waited. And waited. Cars passed me. I couldn't bring myself to honk at her thinking I'd be spread-eagle on the hood of my car shortly thereafter.

This got me to thinking... with all the road rage, why can't each car have two horns? You've got two settings for your headlights. Two (or more) settings for your windshield wipers. Two radio frequencies. Two turn signals. OK, maybe that's necessary. I digress.

I need communication options. I think cars should have a friendly "beep beep" horn like you hear on older Japanese cars, and a much more aggressive "HONNNK" horn like you find on an 18-wheeler. The former would say "Excuse me," or "Time to go!" or even "Careful, I'm behind you." You'd label the button in the interior of the car with a smiley face with lines protruding from its mouth. The latter would be more aggressive for special situations, like "Are you a fucking IDIOT?" "Watch the goddamn road, fuckhead!" or even "Hurry up, you stupid bitch!" That would have to be located in a hard-to-reach spot and would probably be best labeled with a frowny face.

As the driver of a giant, leather-wrapped, soccer-mom-mobile, I had no "beep beep" to give Ms. Sallybadge, so I sat. Helpless. Eventually, she saw me waving pleasantly in her rearview mirror. She didn't wave back. Stupid bitch. Where's that friggin' frowny face when you need one?