Childhood Memories #3

--Age 10. In elementary school, it was customary for guys to have girlfriends. I had a few myself. There was nothing physical to these relationships, other than the guy giving his comb to the girl, who promptly inserted it into the back pocket of her Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. My comb was powder blue and pressed against the butts of Becky, Heather, Melissa, Shauna and Jennifer (to name a few).

--Age 12. I was in the Junior High Band. I played tenor sax as my primary instrument. I once stayed really late in the band director's office with two friends, Ernie and David. While no one was looking, David photocopied his dick on the Xerox machine. It was huge funny. David and I became much closer friends after that.

--Age 9. We used to wait for the school bus at one of the houses near the middle of our street. They had a U-shaped driveway and we'd all play for a while before the bus came. Once, Mrs. Heinchel came out of the house and yelled at me for turning her water hose off and on. I had no idea what she was talking about. As she pointed over to the water hose, she saw that it was actually her dog doing it by running back and forth under the faucet to scratch his back. She didn't apologize to me.

--Age 5. I once climbed up into the window on our screen-in patio--Spiderman style. I tried to make it all the way around the room, but started to get a little tired. I happened to have stopped above a very awkward spot and couldn't get down. So, I sat there and sreamed "HELP A FELLA (my Dad called me "fella" a lot) over and over until my Mom came to rescue me. They still make fun of me for that.

--Age 16. I was over at my friend Jennifer's house making big (stupid) Homecoming banners (the one's you put up in the hallway at school--Go Team!). There were 4-5 other girls over there, no guys. I got up to pee in her bathroom under the stairs and when I came back, everyone was giggling. When I asked what was so funny, they said, "Damn, it sounded like a HORSE was in there." I was as pleased as an insecure 16 year-old can be; however, they declined to tell everyone they knew about the incident, even when I offered them $20 a piece.

--4 weeks old. On a particularly restless night, my grandmother cradled me in her lap while she sat on the toilet (lid closed) to rock me back to sleep. As she did this, she, herself, fell asleep and accidentally dropped me, head first, onto the bathroom floor. Though I do not remember this at all, the incident--at least for my family--became the root cause of all my defects. Poor Mammaw.