Tuesday, April 25, 2006

If the trailer's rockin'...

Joe.My.God recently listed some "first time" stories, so I thought I'd dig my embarrassing first time out of the archives, too.

In the Summer of 1983--between video games and church choir--my friend Ben and I were plotting the best way to lose our virginity. We devised a scheme to deflower my life-long neighbor Keetha and her friend Tracy. Ben would have Keetha and I would have Tracy.

The first part of the plan was to convince the girls to have sex with us. This was surprisingly easy (as were they). The second part of the plan was to convince my parents to allow Ben and me to spend the night outside in the camper so we had a place to do the dirty deed. When permission came, we plugged the camper into the garage electrical outlet to run the A/C and the lights. Then we hooked up my stereo/boom-box inside to set the mood and waited for our "dates" to make us men. A first-rate love nest.

When the girls arrived, Tracy and I took the top bunk and Ben and Keetha took the bottom bunk (a kitchen table that conveniently converted to a bed). There was a curtain that covered the top bunk, so Tracy and I had some privacy. It didn't take us long to fumble ourselves undressed and get to whatever it was we thought we were supposed to do. Ben and Keetha on the other hand, decided to wait until we were finished so they could enjoy the privacy of the curtain, too. Turns out, this was a lucky decision. As the two of them were sitting at the table playing cards, there was a knock on the door.

Mom: "Hey guys, it's Mom, I've got something for you!"
Ben: "Holy shit, dude. It's your Mom!"
Me: "Tell her we went for a walk."

The door sprung open to a steaming plate of chocolate chip cookies. Ben and Keetha were innocently sitting at the table like two angels. I hid quietly behind the curtain--completely naked, sheathed erection waning fast. I was trapped in the most horrific way and feared that I was about to encounter the most embarrassing moment of my life.

Keetha: "Hi Mrs. H."
Mom: "Oh hi, Keetha. I didn't know you were here."
Keetha: "Yeah, we're just playing cards. Dave and my friend Tracy went next door to get some music."
Mom: "Ahh, that's sweet. Well you guys enjoy the cookies and holler if you need anything."
Ben: "OK, thank you!"

After several minutes of "Holy SHIT that was close" and "What would you have done if she saw you?" chit chat, we turned on the stereo to have Lionel Richie's "Penny Lover" put us back in the mood. A bit frazzled and nervous, I closed the curtain behind me and turned to Tracy. Finally, after 2-3 minutes of exceptional love-making, I could finally say I was no longer a virgin. Tracy and I never spoke of that moment ever again. And I think I understand why: what poor girl wants to lose her virginity to a gay guy trying desperately to keep the thoughts of cookies, mothers and vaginas out of his head!

Thankfully, this was my last encounter behind a curtain with the female persuasion.


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