Random Childhood Memories #6

--Age 11. I played on a Little League team called the "A's." I remember being so excited to have finally made it on the "good" team, except that I very quickly figured out that I was the worst player out of everyone (except a pudgy kid named Travis). Travis and I sat the bench a lot, and when we did get to play, it was deep in right field. Sometimes I rubbed dirt on my bright-white pants to make it look like I saw some action.

--Age 14. There was a really cool area near my house called the "Honda Hills." It had dirt trails and mounds of dirt used for jumps so that the local kids could play Evil Knievel on their motorcycles and bikes. My Dad had expressly forbidden me to ever go there. The one time I did (on an especially muddy day), he happened to be coming home from work early and saw me coming in the back gate covered head-to-toe in mud. I was busted. And so was my ass.

--Age 9. I once found a tape recorder stuck underneath the driver's seat of my Mom's car. When I played it, it had been recording conversations between my Mom and the church Choir Director with whom she occasionally carpooled. I was too young to realize it, but I later learned my father had suspected my Mom of cheating on him and placed it there to gather proof.

--Age 12. Once a week, my Dad would accompany my Mom to the "bad side of town" where she taught an evening English class for adults. It was only an hour, so they left me at home alone. As soon as they pulled out of the driveway, I would break the security code on our satellite dish and move it to Satcom-4 to watch a full hour of porn. I had it timed perfectly so when I saw their headlights coming up our street, I could move it back to the regular position without ever getting caught.

--Age 8. When all the neighborhood kids got together and played Star Wars, I was always Chewbaca. Always. Deep inside I felt like I had the brains and the looks to be Han Solo, but my height and near-perfect rendition of the Wookiee growl got me typecast.