Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Don't Go to Uzbekistan Without Flip Flops

Yesterday afternoon I found myself preparing for a trip, although I wasn't quite sure where I was going. I packed an enormous suitcase that once belonged to my mother and clothes I had never seen before. I don't remember actually packing it, only that it was a bitch to zip the lid shut. I had to remove a large waffle iron to get everything to fit. The next thing I knew it was the middle of the night and I was boarding a large white cruise ship with tattered ropes anchoring it to the pier and eerie yellow lights.

Once inside I was forced down below to steerage and found myself being cornered by a square white robot with U.S. Postal Service bumperstickers affixed to the side and two small arms that were spewing high-pressure water to keep me cornered. It instructed me in a quiet female voice to lower my head towards the arms, which I did. I was shocked to feel a large amount of thick, brownish fluid being sprayed in my hair. The mechanical arms stopped spraying water and began immediately massaging my scalp in a very pleasing manner. I couldn't help but notice a small red light that read "Anti-Lice." I was appalled.

The next moment I was riding in a gold Datsun 240Z with a handsome but aging Italian that spoke no English and a small, black Cocker Spaniel puppy. The Italian was driving incredibly fast and the signs--in a language I couldn't recognize--bled past the windows in a blur of green. I asked him where we were going, but he just smiled and kept his eyes on the road. I noticed on the Datsun's navigation screen that most of the words appeared to be in Russian and concluded that we might be heading to Uzbekistan.

Just then we screamed to a halt in the cobblestone parking lot of a small bed and breakfast. It was dusk, and I noticed very faint lanterns in the windows. In a matter of seconds, the Italian and puppy were gone. I was alone in the Datsun with not a clue what to do, so I gathered my things and headed into the B&B. I was greeted by an elderly woman that instructed me to drop my things immediately and put on a light blue lycra shirt that zipped up in the front and told me to find my flip flops. I dug and dug and dug in my bag, then ran back out to the car to see if I'd left them there. Of course, the car was gone. She didn't let me back in without the flip flops. I sat remorseful on the stoop trying to figure out how to get inside and get my stuff.

And then the phone rang and woke me up. I really wanted to go back. I bet I could've gotten in.


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