In Case You're Reading...

To the construction worker on Mission Road that is allowed to work shirtless:
Why do you do this to me? On more than one occasion, I have almost crashed my car when driving past you. First, there was the time that you were leaning against the fence and your rippled abs were glistening with sweat--I almost rear-ended the car in front of me. Then another time, you had lifted your "SLOW" sign above your head to show me your delicious armpits and bulging biceps--I almost hit the curb as my eyes followed you rather than the road. For the love of God and all that is holy, please be my lover put your shirt back on.

To the adorable Hispanic guy that works the cash window at Wendy's near my house:
I know you mean for it to seem like an accident, but I know that you do it on purpose. There's really no need for you to gently brush my hand each time you grab my credit card. I realize that on average I probably come through the drive through more often than most, but since you're the only source of true physical intimacy for me these days, it's just something I can't help doing. At any rate, unless you're prepared to touch me in places a credit card should never be swiped, please, PLEASE stop touching my hand.

To the neighbor boy that mows his lawn with no shirt on:
Lately I've been having a hard time seeing you with my binoculars concerned about your posture, and I'd like to make some suggestions for improvement. First, don't look straight at the ground when you mow. You should stand up straight so that I can see your chest and abs your back doesn't give out. And if possible, you should face opposite my house and do some toe-touches. This will let me see your ass better loosen your glutes to avoid cramping. Last, it would be excellent for you to chug water as fast as you can every 5-10 minutes. And it would probably be better for you if you tossed back your long hair, put one hand on your hip and let the water spill down your chest. Hydration, indeed.

To the guy in the waiting room at the dentist wearing flip-flops with beautiful toes:
I don't know what the others have told you about my foot fetish, but had they explained this to you thoroughly, you wouldn't have bounced your barely covered foot in front of me like you did. I mean, it's really not appropriate for you to be strutting around like that in public. I mean, I could see everything, and it was SO obvious that you wanted me to. And please, the old "whoops, my flip flop fell off while I was bouncing it" just doesn't cut it. I'm hip to your slutty little games. Oh, and about calling the police after I accidentally "fell" onto your foot with my mouth was completely inappropriate. I mean, seriously, officer. Did you see what he was wearing?