Thursday, June 01, 2006

Salesperson Rant

I just had a little "run-in" with one of our sales "executives" (I use that term loosely) and I just felt compelled to say this out loud: Salespeople are douche-bags. Let me give you a few reasons why I feel this way:

1. Gaucheness. Just because you're wearing a pin-striped suit and cufflinks doesn't make you important. We ALL know you make decent money and we ALL know that you have a Porsche and a trophy wife and a kid in private school. Woopty Fucking Do. You're an assbag and you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground. And that Rolex looks like you stole it off a pimp.

2. Talk. You talk all the time and say nothing. You say things in annoying metaphors that make me want to choke you with my bare hands, like: "Let's not try to boil the ocean here..." or "Woah, it's like drinking from a fire hose..." or "Let's circle the wagons and run this play..." If you weren't so fat and ugly, I'd stick my fire hose up your wagon and blow an ocean that would make your head pop off.

3. Motivation. You don't give a shit about our clients. You want to sell them the most expensive thing we've got with the shortest sales cycle so you can take your commission and run to the next deal. You don't know what our products do, how they can help our clients or the best ways to position them to maximize their value.
Your motivation towards money is no different than a maggot to a corpse--and just as sickening to watch.

4. Scavengers. I've seen wild dogs on the Discovery Channel with more manners. You'd slit my throat and sell your baby's organs to get a commission. Listening to you argue amongst fellow salespeople makes me sad. No, not sad, angry. Because watching your perpetually puckered lips move is a complete waste of my time. I want to bathe after sitting in the same room with you.

5. Brains. Last, you're a fucking idiot. The only value you bring to this company is the willingness to pester people until they're willing to talk to someone who knows what they're talking about. The only thing you've got going for you is a decent head of hair and very pretty fake teeth.

So in close, hear this:

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord Product Portfolio Director when I lay my vengeance upon you.

So, BACK OFF, jackass or you'll never make another DIME here.

[I feel so much better now].


At 12:16 PM, Blogger Sorted Lives said...

That was FUCKING hysterical!

At 4:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well said. hilarious. can't say how many times I have thought this very same thing.

At 12:56 AM, Anonymous Matt in Seattle said...

Okay ... your answer to the #2 issue made me snort ... (yeah, I know, sexy ... )


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