Buyer's Remorse

This morning I went to the dentist to pick up my Invisalign teeth aligners. For whatever reason, I was really excited about getting them. Now, not so much. I'm having an awful case of buyer's remorse, and I want to rip them off my teeth and plant them around the perimeter of my back yard, where, after moderate watering, they will magically turn into a seven-foot picture-frame cedar fence with three gates. I'm ashamed that I spent money on vanity rather than the practicality of home investment.

These things are going to suck a lot more than I expected them to, even though everything was spelled out for me clearly in the 8.5"x11" glossy brochure. I can't drink soda or coffee, just water. I can't smoke cigarettes or chew tobacco. They dig into the top of my mouth and I talk like Elmer Fudd. I seem to do a lot more drooling than I used to, and they make it almost impossible for me to clinch my teeth really hard, which is something I have developed quite a habit of doing lately. I only take them out when I eat, and when I do, I have to brush and floss before putting them back in. I may go strictly with a liquid diet to avoid all this hygiene nonsense.

They made me 15 upper trays and 19 lower trays, which equates to about 5 months or so of torture. Or, as I look at it, about $1,000/month to straighten teeth that obviously didn't really need them in the first place. Oh well, I'll just try to look on the bright side--maybe it'll improve my already stellar fellatio skills.