Friday, July 14, 2006


Today my company is celebrating "All [Company Name] Day." We're supposed to be celebrating our culture of innovation, customer satisfaction and accountability. Senior management has asked us to bring our kids, our families and even friends to work today to meet our co-workers and feel the "[Company Name]" experience. We've got some wonderful activities planned, starting off this morning with doughnuts and a rousing pep-talk from our CEO.

This makes me want to open a vein.

Picture over 100 people (half of whom are kids under the age of 12) in a large lunchroom, watching a Power Point presentation of last month's financial results and top sales deals. The CEO is talking, but through a speakerphone attached to a much larger speaker that makes very loud shrieks every 15 seconds or so. Both his voice and his words are, for all intents and purposes, indecipherable. Poor kids. They have officially confirmed that their parents are brainwashed drones that nod and smile on cue. Thank God there are doughnuts. This is MUCH worse than church.

I am sitting on the third row next to a good personal friend of mine, Lisa. Thankfully, we are far enough from the important people to be able to quietly whisper to each other. We discuss how preposterous this event is, and wonder how the kids are staying awake. We chat about our social lives and house projects and lack of significant events in our lives. We also mention the Michelin-Man-like fat rolls poking out of the much-too-short top worn by our Director of Data Operations. And how we can SMELL HER FLIP-FLOPS. Seriously, we could.

And now I'm back at my desk having feigned an "important client call." Thankfully, I have escaped being asked to drink Kool-Aid in the lunchroom. I now intend to finish this post, send a couple of e-mails and make two return telephone calls. Then I shall further celebrate my culture of accountability by taking the rest of the afternoon off and apartment hunting with Ryan.

Happy All [Company Name] Day!!!


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