Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Housesitting Instructions

Thank you for agreeing to housesit while I am away for work. Here are detailed instructions on the care of the house and Beagle. Please do not deviate from these instructions, or else you shall be flogged.

You have been assigned a special garage code that will be valid for three days. All entry and exit from the premises shall be via the garage door. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, under any circumstances touch the motorcycle. In fact, it's best that you just divert your eyes and ignore the temptation to sit on it and make vroom vroom sounds. Once the inside door is opened, a series of chirps will indicate the need to disarm the alarm. Proceed to the keypad and disable the alarm with the same special code assigned to the garage door. If the alarm is not disengaged within 10 seconds, local police, fire and National Guard will be dispatched for your immediate arrest and incarceration.

The refrigerator has been fully stocked with beer, wine and freshly cooked meals with generous proportions. Do not under any circumstances touch these items. There is water from the hose out back and ample bread in the cubbard. Salting for flavor is optional (but not more than 3 shakes).

Beagle Food
The Beagle shall be affectionately referred to as "Casey Bear," "Boobers" and "Booberhead" at all times. Excessive petting and baby talk should occur whenever possible. He eats two times a day, in the morning between 7am and 7:15am, and in the evening between 6:40pm and 6:47pm. Place one cup of dry food in his bowl and soak in water for eight minutes. When fully softened, pour excess water from the bowl and place directly below the stove adjacent to the water bowl. Be certain to say "Hey ya go, Boobers, good boy" when providing the meal. Also, please be sure they are spaced approximately 4 inches apart. [Note: During the eight minutes of soaking time, excessive whining will occur. Do not fall for this. Stick the the instructions!]

Beagle "Business"
Immediately after long naps and/or eating, the Beagle shall be dispatched to the back yard to "Do His Business." Be certain to validate the consistency of the excrement to ensure proper nutrition has occurred. Please note that he may at times stand by either of the two back doors in hopes of catching a glimpse of a kitty cat or bunny; however, access to the yard for purposes other that "Business" is limited to clear skies and temperatures between 58 and 89 degrees. You may use your discretion as to the length of time he is out (but not less than 2 or more than 20 minutes). Upon re-entry, gently inspect his "paw paws" for foreign items that may stain the carpet.

Entertainment/Social Activity
You have been granted unlimited use of all TVs, DVRs, DVD players, telephones and computer equipment. Feel free to access my extensive collection of pornography movie classics and or one $3.95 pay-per-view movie via TimeWarnerCable On-Demand. You are allowed only one same-sex visitor at a time not to exceed 120 minutes in total visit time. Sexual activity is permitted; however, should be confined to the guest bedroom or sex dungeon basement. Details of said activities shall be conferred upon the homeowner immediately upon his return. Pictures and/or video are encouraged.

Sleeping Arrangements
You will sleep in the guest bedroom. The Beagle must be allowed to cuddle with you at all times. He will desire to sleep either under the covers outstretched against your leg or, if outside the covers, between your legs. Movement of any kind that disrupts the Beagle should be avoided. Prior to falling asleep, provide Beagle with approximately 4-5 minutes of gentle, soothing caresses to enhance his relaxation and overall sleep. It is advisable to say "______ loves you" or "You're such a good boy, nighty nighty" repeatedly until slight snoring is heard. Occasionally, some belly rubbing may be necessary. The Beagle will instruct you of this.

Thanks again for agreeing to house sit. Please remember than any damage/loss to property will be your exclusive responsibility at market value + 20%. Should you have any questions, feel free to call me. However, only between the hours of 6pm and 6:30pm.

Good Luck!


At 8:35 PM, Blogger Sorted Lives said...

Who's the lucky housesitter. I would gladly follow your rules master. I would even videotape any extra curricular activities for your approval... ;)

At 7:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your dog needs more discipline. If I would be left in charge of your house there would be an "Arbeit Macht Frei" sign next to the front door and your dog would be on the roof fixing gutters.

Also you are being too nice to the housesitter ... there is no TO DO list. Is it a job or an all-bread you-can-eat, all-tap-water-you- can drink resort? Who provides any food to the housesitter? What is this world coming to? Next they would demand things like hot showers and use of AC.

Also what is the deal with entertainment options? Shouldn't your housesitter's first and foremost priority revolve around vigillantly protecting premises? And that means dressing up in military uniform and marching around the perimeter of the property with your fierce dog who can smell intruder miles away. There's no time to sit around and watch movies, because as we know enemy is always alert and waiting for the right time to strke.

You have such progressive views when it comes to domestic servants. Ahh ... fruits of liberalism!

At 2:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"You've got troubles. I've got 'em too. We'll stick together to see 'em through. 'Cuz you've got a friend in me"
-Randy Newman
"You've got a friend in me"

At 5:28 PM, Blogger MiKell said...

Wait. Is the previously mentioned "flogging" the punishment or the payment.

I forget to keep track of these things.


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