Thursday, October 12, 2006

Presentation to the Executive Team

Dear Todd,

First, let me congratulate you on your recent promotion to one of the many Executives-Du-Jour of our division. It's been a really long time since we've had an obnoxious know-it-all at the helm--it's a breath of fresh air! I honestly look forward to our meetings together, and can't wait to hear your intelligent restatements of the obvious, and your mastery of speaking without actually conveying meaningful content. GOD, I wish I could do that. It's amazing!

Now Todd, I like my job. I do it because I like it, and I like the people I work with. Closing deals and winning competitive bids feeds my ego, so I stay, even during these recent tumultuous times. But let me make one thing perfectly clear: The next time I'm giving a presentation to our Senior Executive Team and you disrupt me repeatedly, and talk over me, and ask absurd questions that are completely unrelated to your job function, I am going to stand up, embed my laptop in the center of your skull, kick you in the balls and walk out the door. Finger held high.

If you happen to recover from the laptop impaling, you'll soon remember me as the only person who was able to successfully facilitate sales and revenue that exceeded our annual forecast (in fact, so much so that we've made up for your other flailing divisions). You'll also soon realize that the only thing you had to do to keep me here amidst all the other resignations was to simply be nice and treat me with a little fucking respect.

You'll get no more chances at getting this right.

Your Humble Co-Worker


At 6:59 PM, Blogger KipEsquire said...

You forgot, "...and get my dog to pee on your shoe." ;-)

At 7:39 PM, Blogger Brent said...

I thought I worked with the most un-self aware person in the corporate world. But yours sounds just a tiny bit more moronic than mine.

At 6:54 AM, Blogger Kevin said...

To help, I printed this off and sent 4 copies to Todd. I also noted that you hadn't signed it, so I did that for you as well.

Let me know what else I can do to help.

At 7:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Next time you get interrupted say "Oh yeah, right" and give him a look like you are thinking long and hard whether to execute him via strapping his body to tram tracs and running him over with a two car train or by puting strongest South American poison available on the market into his morning coffee.

Maybe reflection of joy related to plotting his death in your eyes will give him an idea that someone needs to shut up and listen?


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