Oh What a Relief It Is

I don't normally like to talk about work. I figure that we've all got some sort of job woe and that hearing me complain about my job generally isn't all that interesting. Suffice to say, it's been really, really bad for me the last couple of months. New leadership (and I use that term loosely), new direction, new problems. Had it not been for the cast on my leg and the ability to "work" from home, I would've blogged about this two months ago.

My "boss" (who, for the first time in the three months he's been my boss) scheduled a 30-minute face-to-face meeting with me this morning. Here's how it went:

Boss: "So, Dave, what have you been working on lately?"

Me: [Thinking: Nothing, idiot, you've been systematically phasing out the entire Product Management team since you got here and haven't given me the time of day. What the f*ck SHOULD I be working on?] "Mostly Sales stuff, a few client issues. Not much going on at the end of the year."

Boss: I see. Well I'll jump right in to this, then. I've been struggling with what to do with you and your skill set for a couple of months now, and frankly, I'm just having a hard time justifying your position given the maturity of our current product suite.

Me: [Thinking: No shit, idiot, you've been paying me to twiddle my thumbs for a year now.] "I completely understand that, and agree with you 100%."

Boss: "So, unfortunately, Dave, I've decided, reluctantly, to eliminate your position. Based on your six year tenure and your current salary grade, you'll be receiving a very attractive severance package and we'll agree to call this a mutually agreed upon departure. "

Me: [Thinking: FINALLY! I can't believe it took you so long. The ONLY reason I haven't quit is because given my above average performance ratings (top 10% in the company) you'd have to pay me off to get me out of your hair. Handsomely, I might add.] "Well, ____, I certainly respect that decision, and am quite pleased to accept your offer."

Boss: "Dave, I obviously don't know you that well since we haven't worked much together, but you've clearly played a key role in making this business unit a success. Given what I've heard about your talents, it seems as though you'll be much happier and more productive elsewhere. I'm confident this is a win-win for each of us."

Me: [Thinking: You f*cking slimeball. Quit blowing smoke up my ass. The ONLY reason this is a win for you is that you're no longer having to deal with a strong personality that has conflicting opinions on how to run this business. I know this game--and you're losing it.] "Thank you, _____, I appreciate you saying that. And I wish you the best of luck taking over the reigns here." [Thinking: You're gonna need all the luck you can get.]

Boss: "Best of luck to you, too, Dave. [Shakes my hand and we walk to the elevator.] HR will be sending you the paperwork concerning all the details by the end of the week."

Me: "Excellent. Sounds good. Thanks, _____."

And that was it. I walked out, got in my car, and smiled mischievously all the way home. Though I will soon be out of a job, I'm finally off a sinking (and burning) ship with almost six months of severance plus my exercised stock options--the equivalent of another year of my current salary--to give me time to think about the next chapter in my life.

Obviously, I will begin with a ride on the motorcycle. Which, thanks to ____ will soon be fully paid for. God bless corporate America.