Monday, January 08, 2007

Online Trick Eligibility Questionnaire

I had a friend come visit me from Chicago this weekend. We'll call him "Bob." Bob and I have known each other for years, and he visits quite often. When he visits we tend to just lay around, watch movies and catch up. Nothing special has to happen for us to have a good time. One of the things he always does when he's here is hop on Manhunt/ to see what KC had to offer. You know how it goes: strange town = fresh meat = fun.

Bob is a cute, intelligent and successful 25-year-old and absolutely LOVES older men (40+).
The problem is, he's pathologically picky about these men. Not only does he have the typical physical requirements (I don't think I need to describe those here), his gentlemen friends also have to have a very specific personage as it relates to their masculinity, personal hygiene, home decor and career (among others). He only likes VERY butch men who have their shit together. Anything less is a deal breaker.

One of the drawbacks to online chatting is that not all of these requirements are evident, and he apparently isn't all that adept at asking probing questions to assure the person matches his criteria. Because of this, he regularly has several aborted rendezvouses during his visits--each complete with a hilarious story upon his return (I'm trying to convince him to write a book about them. They are usually quite funny).

So Tim and I have decided that Bob needs a better system to avoid these tragic events. Our answer: The Online Trick Eligibility Questionnaire©. Please note, this is specific to Bob only. Individual results may vary.

1. Have you ever inserted anything into your rectum voluntarily?
If answer to #1 is yes, OTEQ is complete. Otherwise, please continue.

2. Do you now or have you ever experienced erectile dysfunction?
3. Do you know the thread-count of your bed sheets?
Do you now, or have you ever owned a Pomeranian?
5. Please describe your thoughts on the use of potpourri.
6. Do you now or have you ever plucked your eyebrows?
7. How many times have you used the word "girl" today?
8. Guns-N-Ammo or House Beautiful?
9. Please list your airline and hotel statuses (U.S. only).
10. How many throw pillows are currently on your sofa? Bed?
11. Beer or Cosmopolitan?
12. Have you ever coached an athletic team (excluding cheer leading)?
13. Have you ever modified a pair a jeans?
14. What do you wear to the gym, an outfit or sweats?
15. Have you ever started a sentence with "Back in Nam?"
16. Who likes you better, your nieces or your nephews?
17. Have you ever cried during an episode of Divine Design?
18. Axe or D&G?
19. Have you ever held a job where a tool belt was required?
20. Have you ever peed sitting down?

Customized OTEQs are available upon request for a modest consulting fee. Orgasm not guaranteed.


At 9:00 PM, Blogger MiKell said...

And with that, my friends, I bring you the oh-so-anticipated return of the Dave of yor'.

God Save the King... er... Queens.

At 4:45 AM, Blogger Michael Guy said...

Girl, you pretty much nailed it! I wish I'd had this questionaire back in 'Nam.

At 9:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, that brought a smile to my face. I'm the same way as your friend "Bob"
and let me tell you, chasing perfection isn't easy.

At 10:13 AM, Blogger Kevin said...

Wow. All that for a hookup? How about
1) Are you crazy?
2) Are you lying?
3) Are you creepy?
4) Are you lying?

And as long as the pics match up ... I'm good to go.

At 12:20 PM, Anonymous Trevor in H(ell)ays said...

Even if those questions are answered correctly I have found, from personal experience, that the following weeks later usually end in telephone conversations starting with, "why you calling my husband and calling him baby", "I need to be honest with you i'm married with a kid and one on the way", and my most recent face to face encounter,"I'm bi, I think, but I'd like to try being f**ked, but don't corrupt me" And yes Dave, I took the liberty of "corrupting" him several times. I love the smalltown Midwest closet case, they keep me laid without accountability.


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