Chim Chiminee

Last week I had a plumber run a gas line into my fireplace so I could have a nice cozy fire in the living room without having to chop wood or light newspapers on fire. Since the fireplace has never been used (at least by me) in the three years I've been in the house, I figured I should have a professional chimney-person give it a once-over before I shot 1,000 degree flames up through it. This morning --at 7:15-friggin-A.M., "The Artful Duster" rang the doorbell.

I found it a little surprising that he wasn't completely covered in soot like real chimney sweeps. But he seemed reputable enough with the 10,000 foot ladder on his truck, so I let him in to go at it. As The Arful Duster fired up his two-foot-long Maglite and looked up the chimney, I braced myself for the bad news.

TAD: [Head still in the fireplace] Oh boy, whatcha got yerself here is a big old squirrel nest in yer smoke box. Woo hoo that's a big one.

Me: [Turning red at the fact that squirrels have caused yet another problem.] Please tell me there are no animals in my chimney.

TAD: Well, there aren't any in here now. Maybe they're out on vacation or sumin. [chuckles]

Me: Let's hope so. [Glares at the ceiling, thinking: Hmm, this would be the perfect opportunity to use the squirrel nest to throw a little get-together for the Ralph and the Neighborhood Squirrel Association. During which, of course, I would light the fire and have a spectacular rodent BBQ.]

TAD: Welp, looks like yer damper and yer smoke box seem OK, 'cept for the nest, and the throat is in good condition. But you definitely need to get some caps on top of the stack.

Me: [Having only a vague idea of what he just said.] Will that keep out the squirrels?

TAD: Oh yessir. I'll putcha in a top of line stainless cap...

Me: So what's the damage?

TAD: [Taps calculator, mumbles to himself.] $375, which includes the caps.

Me: Deal. Except that if you catch a squirrel in there, he's mine.