Thoughts on Border Patrol: Uncle Sam Style

You may have read a former post about my Uncle Sam. While I would generally categorize him as an ultra-conservative redneck, he graduated with honors from Texas A&M University and has been a very successful business and ranch owner his entire life. He's also got a goofy, good-old-boy Texas charm that is completely endearing. You get the impression that he'd give you the shirt off his back. And he would.

I also love to listen to him tell stories. And he's got a million of them. Sometimes, if you can hold back the urge to throw up or strangle him, they can be quite insightful. Like a conversation we once had about border patrol:

Sam: Hey. [To anyone in the room who will listen]. I'll tell ya how to keep them Messicans outta the country.
Me: Oh yeah? [Bracing for impact].
Sam: Well it's like this, see. We spend, what, a billion dollars a year on border patrol? Give or take a few hundred million?
Me: Sounds about right to me.
Sam: Well I say, take half of that and put it in a account for them drug cartels to split however they see fit.
Me: OK... And how does that keep them from coming into the country?
Sam: Well that's the catch. Every time we catch a Messican comin' across, we take $100,000 out of that account. If we did that, you can bet your ass them borders would be protected like nun's cooter.
Me: [Blank stare]. Yeah, I don't see us doing business with drug cartels. It just doesn't look good.
Sam: Eh, just an idea. I need 'em for the ranch anyway.
Me: Exactly.