Monday, October 30, 2006


Yeah, umm, this isn't cool. More later when I get out of my funk.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Hey Brutha, Spare a Dime?

This morning, I lost a million dollars. Actually, it was $1.2M to be exact. And by 9am, no less. All due to a know-it-all ex-Dallas Cowboy sales rep that doesn't know the difference between "speak" and "shut the fuck up."

I will now spend the rest of my day assuring that this sales rep is severely humiliated, beaten senseless, and drawn and quartered in the town square. Then I will slow-roast his skewered carcass on a fiery spit,
urinating on him for flavor. When he's done, I'm going to serve him up to his boss, and his boss's boss, both with a big ol' side of shit pie. And they will eat their humble dinner on their knees, off the tops of my bare feet, begging for mercy at every gulp.

And I thought today was going to be boring.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Peek Pic 159

How to do yard work with a broken ankle.

Shady Dealings

I've been having some roof drainage problems lately, so about three weeks ago, I called four local companies to have them come out and inspect my gutters. Of the four I contacted, only ONE called me back. Of course, he only left a voice mail, and he never returned my follow up call. Eventually I just gave up.

But today, my doorbell rang. It was "Ratcliff Guttering Company," and he was here to inspect my gutters. Completely out of the blue. No telephone call, no advance warning, he just showed up based on the message I apparently left him--three weeks ago. I asked him if we had exchanged messages (sometimes I forget), but he said, "No, your name and address just showed up on my list of people to go see." I shrugged and listened to his spiel.

He proceeded to tell me that my gutters look fine and just need a good cleaning. He asked if it would be OK if he walked around the back to check the rest of them out; I agreed. He told me he'd be right back with a "quick proposal" for me to review, so I headed back upstairs to work while he looked around. After about 10 minutes I began to wonder what was taking him so long, so I stuck my head out the door. No gutter guy. He left. No proposal, no nothing.

I am always amazed at how unprofessional independent contractors can be. I wonder sometimes how they even stay in business. At any rate, my friggin gutters still need cleaning, especially the ones on the second floor that I can't reach with my ladder. Anyone have a extra tall ladder handy that wants to make a quick buck??? Call me (just don't wait three weeks)!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Peek Pic 158

This morning, I splurged.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Random Thoughts #43

--After talking it over with my primary care doctor, I've decided that I'm going to try the "Cast/No Surgery" option with my ankle. While there is no guarantee it will heal, he recommended that I avoid surgery if at all possible. His comment: "Dave, you don't want a piece of metal stuck in your body for 50 more years." I agreed. Now I just need to call the ortho guy and schedule a date to get my cast on. Ya know, there's never really a good time for that.

--This afternoon I was sitting out on my screened-in porch enjoying the crisp but gorgeous fall weather. Normally I hear a variety of birds chirping away out in the back yard, which is always a welcome sound. But today there was a bird making a sound that reminded me of an infant choking on a hairball. And it was loud. And repeated every other second without fail. Where's that Daisy 880 when you need it?

--I'm afraid to admit this, but Friday very well may have been the last decent motorcycle riding day of the season. It's already hitting freezing temperatures here in the evenings, and it's not looking like it's going to let up any time soon. You're probably thinking that this is time for the bike to go in the shed, but you'd be wrong. This is really the time to go buy some winter riding gear.

--It is cold as HELL in my house right now. I need to reset all my thermostats to keep it warm during the day, too, since I'm working here full time now. I'm not sure I really ever announced that I'm doing that, by the way, so here it goes: "I'm working from home full-time now." When my boss resigned, they had me report to someone in our corporate office in Minneapolis, so I just decided to quit going into the office. No one even knows, or cares. As long as I have a telephone and an internet connection, I'm golden.

--If you haven't seen the show "Little People, Big World" on TLC, you should. It's a really sweet show about a family of six in Oregon, three of whom (including the mother and father) have dwarfism. At first I was a little hesitant to watch it because I thought it would be just about little people, but it's much more than that. The father has a unbelievably dynamic personality, and the rest of the family is just so adorable they make me swoon. Catch it if you can. I love it.

--I've always been moderately interested in going on a gay cruise, but never have. And in case you're wondering, I've never been on a heterosexual cruise, either. Recently my friend Phil and I were talking about the possibility of doing an Atlantis Cruise some day and came across what looks to be a fantastic trip from Buenos Aires to Rio. God, I just LOVE South American men. I told him that I'd heard rumors of it being nothing but a drug-induced sex orgy for seven straight days. Phil had heard the same, too, so we went ahead and ordered a brochure for more information.

Peek Pic 157

A tree in my neighbor's yard on a beautiful fall morning.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Hook, Line and Sinker

A little known fact about me: I love to fish. I've spent countless hours trolling the waters for the next big catch (and I'm not talking about, including fresh water fishing, deep sea fishing, fly fishing and even ice fishing. If it swims, and I've got some free time, I'll try to catch it.

In 1991, I lived in White Plains, NY and owned a small 12-foot jon boat that I kept on the Cross-River Reservoir in northern Westchester County. Since these reservoirs feed the NYC water system, no motors are allowed; therefore, you've got to row to the best fishing spots--sometimes quite a ways away. I've never been one for exerting a whole lot of effort during my time off, so I frequently recruited a few of the older kids on the swim team I coached to do the rowing for me join me for a fishing trip.

One weekend there was a youth crappie fishing contest and I had helped swim team members and fellow fisherman Jimmy, 16, and Jon, 17, sign up for the contest. They were terribly excited and determined to win. About a half-hour into the early morning, we trolled along the shore hoping to find a good spot. Suddenly, a HUGE fish jumped out of the water about 20 yards from the boat. Jon and I simply said "Wow," but Jimmy took action. With all his might, he reared back to cast his lure directly at the fish. Except that on this cast, the lure didn't make it into the water. Instead, the shiny, four-inch crank bait with three large treble hooks found itself embedded into the middle of my back. All. Three. Hooks. Stuck. Deep.


If you know anything about fish hooks, they're made to pierce easily, but not to come out without a significant struggle. With fish, this is OK--their lips are cartilage and don't have nerve endings. Human flesh, however, is not well suited for fish-hook removal. Especially when the cast was so hard that the hooks BEND from the force. We were in trouble. It was clear a visit to the emergency room was in order.

Frantically and apologetically, Jimmy rowed us back to where we parked. Since I couldn't sit in the car seat due to the lure, I had to let Jimmy drive my car. Sadly, it was a stick-shift, and Jim's first time to drive one. Imagine my joy as I sat awkwardly in the tiny back seat of my Acura Intergra in utter agony from being the catch of the day, completely nauseated from car sickness as Jimmy jerked and sputtered his way to the hospital some 15 miles away.

Except that that wasn't the worst of it. After arriving at the hospital, I learned a painful lesson about the protocols for the removal of fish hooks in the ER setting (I know this because I wrote and letter to complain--they sent me a copy of the page from the ER policy manual). Apparently, the American Academy of Emergency Medicine does NOT condone the process of applying a local anesthetic and gentle removal of the hook. Rather, the process is to cut the minnow part of the lure away, tie a STRING to the embedded hook, and YANK the mother f*cker straight out of the skin.

Again, Ouch.

Ever the overly-competitive dedicated sportsman, I insisted that we head back to the lake to finish the contest. Later that afternoon, we hit upon a huge crappie nest and caught over 40 fish. In a twist of fate, Jimmy caught the largest crappie of the contest and won a brand new rod and reel and $100 cash. Guilt being what it is, Jimmy offered the rod to me as an olive branch for his poor casting skills. Of course I refused, knowing that the memory of that day would last a whole lot longer than a fishing rod. Fishing, after all, is much more about the fun than it is the fish.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Answer: Salt Lake City

I finally got to press flesh (a hug, perverts) with my esteemed Blog Buddy David while in Salt Lake City for business. We had a lovely time seeing sights around the city, dropping by his school and work, and dining on the freshest fish (but smallest martini) the city had to offer. Now since he decided to post an AWFUL picture of me, I shall post the picture I snapped of him while we ate dinner...

I had a really nice time with him; I felt like I've known him for years. Here are a few topics of conversation during our visit so that you can feel like you were there with us...

--How totally hot and adorable we both look in person.
--Jaundiced mechanical patients.
--Our collective lack of interest in being stars of the Blogosphere.
--His new (very cute) co-worker Brandon. Or Jason. Or maybe Bill.
--City parks with wireless internet.
--Nursing outfits.
--His busy schedule, my hum-drum life.
--The poor interior ergonomics of a Ford Explorer.
--The lack of gay bars in SLC.
--Shoulder farts (ask him about these).
--The special Mormon handshake (that he didn't offer to teach me).
--Whether or not 18 basketball goals are too many for a single gymnasium.
--The details of rectal surgery on the elderly.
--Why the Treo 650 is the coolest gadget on the planet (ok, not really).
--How next time I visit we should plan more time for sex.

I really enjoyed my time in SLC. My meeting went well, had a great visit with David, and I slept like a rock in the hotel, which is rare for me. But I'd be lying if I told you that these things were more fun than talking to three unbelievably adorable Mormon missionaries while standing in the security line at the airport. One of whom, I shit you not, sported a name tag that said "Elder Woody." God bless the Mormons.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Peek Pic 156

OK, who can guess where I am today? If you LIVE here, or are currently housesitting for me, you cannot guess.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Peek Pic 155

A convenience store. A way of life.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Presentation to the Executive Team

Dear Todd,

First, let me congratulate you on your recent promotion to one of the many Executives-Du-Jour of our division. It's been a really long time since we've had an obnoxious know-it-all at the helm--it's a breath of fresh air! I honestly look forward to our meetings together, and can't wait to hear your intelligent restatements of the obvious, and your mastery of speaking without actually conveying meaningful content. GOD, I wish I could do that. It's amazing!

Now Todd, I like my job. I do it because I like it, and I like the people I work with. Closing deals and winning competitive bids feeds my ego, so I stay, even during these recent tumultuous times. But let me make one thing perfectly clear: The next time I'm giving a presentation to our Senior Executive Team and you disrupt me repeatedly, and talk over me, and ask absurd questions that are completely unrelated to your job function, I am going to stand up, embed my laptop in the center of your skull, kick you in the balls and walk out the door. Finger held high.

If you happen to recover from the laptop impaling, you'll soon remember me as the only person who was able to successfully facilitate sales and revenue that exceeded our annual forecast (in fact, so much so that we've made up for your other flailing divisions). You'll also soon realize that the only thing you had to do to keep me here amidst all the other resignations was to simply be nice and treat me with a little fucking respect.

You'll get no more chances at getting this right.

Your Humble Co-Worker

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Houseboy needed ASAP

So according to ortho guy #2, I've got a hairline fracture in my talus bone. And just my luck, the talus apparently has a really poor blood supply, which makes self-repair uncertain. My options for treatment include a cast and crutches for three months with no surgery (recovery still uncertain), or surgery to install a titanium screw followed by a cast and crutches for three months while it heals.

Geez, Louise. This sucks.

It's not so much the surgery, but the inconvenience of crutches for THREE MONTHS. How the hell am I going to live for three months on crutches?? How will I mow my lawn? Walk my dog? Go to the grocery store? DRIVE (it's my right foot)? I'll be completely and totally incapacitated if I have to be on crutches for that long. I won't ask friends or family to help me for that long, and hiring someone is out of the question. What the hell do single people do in these situations, I wonder?

I'm feeling pretty mortal (and
vulnerable) right this second. And that's not a good thing at all. I considered going out and buying myself a new motorcycle to help ease the pain; however, I should probably get one of these instead. There's a reason they call it "lame," I guess...

Monday, October 09, 2006

Random Thoughts #42

--Ah, Columbus Day. I love how we completely bastardize the history of our celebrated leaders. I wonder how many Americans really appreciate the fact that Columbus was a gold-grubbing scavenger whose most notable contribution to the Americas was disease and slavery. Or that Mr. Big Shot explorer went to his grave thinking he had found Japan. Hell, I'd be willing to bet most Americans think Columbus landed on Plymouth rock. Now go enjoy your day off.

--The red head continues to stalk me after I made it crystal clear I had no interest in seeing or hearing from him again. Text messages, blog comments, e-mails begging me in all caps to please just talk to him and instant messages still keep coming. Hopefully he realizes soon that he's only making it worse each time he tries to contact me. I'd be happy to entertain creative, yet proven ways to stop this behavior.

--I'm moderately curious about switching to the new Blogger version that's out. However, I am tremendously fearful of the phrase "cannot revert back" if something should go wrong. Anyone have any luck with it yet?

--I'm totally losing weight, and I contribute it to working from home. I never eat fast food anymore, and tend to graze throughout the day rather than stuff my pie hole three or four times a day. Pretty soon I'll be able to get back into my prom dress.

--Speaking of working from home, I think I'm going to need to get a new office/desk set up. My workspace now consists of a desk with open shelving (messy), a printer on the floor (ugly), and a TV tray (trashy) to support my desktop, personal laptop and work laptop. So far it's having a severe impact on my back since I sit here like Jaba the Hut in the lotus position. I'm considering having California Closets out to do me up right with a little custom job. I hate all that OfficeMax pressed particle-board stuff.

--You think if I went to the office and brought home my Herman Miller chair (with every intent to return it if I left the company) that they'd mind? I tend to think it feels like stealing; however, a couple of my colleagues do not. I suspect that if I asked beforehand that they'd say no. "Because Dave, if we do it for you, we'd have to do it for everyone." Grrr.

--Today, a visit with the orthopedist is scheduled. Watch for a time-lapse video of the amputation soon.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Let me shed some light on this...

Video of my new shed being build (time lapse), complete with Beagle-supervised Quality Control Inspection. About 4 1/2 mins. Oh, and sorry about the 20 seconds of silence in the middle of the audio track. Windows Movie Maker didn't render the file exactly like I had it set. I briefly considered going back and fixing it. And I mean briefly.

P.S. The shed is for rent at a rate of $49.95/night. Electricity and bedding not included; however, I hear the turn-down service is simply devine.

Peek Pic 154

The shed has arrived. Time-lapse video of its creation is currently in post-production.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Peek Pic 153

OK, let's hear it... what's the diagnosis?

(By the way, that's my ANKLE).

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Here Comes the Shed

Dave and Dale roll up their sleeves and get sweaty. (2 mins).

Peek Pic 152

Casey and Daddy take a baff.

Maps are sooo 2005

I can't hold it in any longer. I was going to wait and demo it with a video, but I'm just too excited. On Thursday (maybe Friday), I get my new TomTom Navigator 6 GPS Bundle for my Treo 650. It comes with software and a portable GPS receiver that connects via Bluetooth to my Treo and viola!--instant real-time, door-to-door navigation.

This will be especially handy when I'm out on the motorcycle and lost in the Kansas cornfields. Or, when I can't find a trick's house**. Whichever. Handy in both cases.

**This is obviously a joke. Tricks come to ME.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Random Thoughts #41

--It's a good thing I bought my new leather jacket. It's 94 degrees here today. In October. 94.

--The red head is gone, but I won't go into details to protect the innocent (or guilty). Suffice to say: 1) this was perfect affirmation as to why I don't date; and 2) he will not be back. 'Nuff said.

--I finally got my new personalized license plate on the motorcycle. I'd tell you what it is (b/c it's cool), but I've recently become very sensitive to stalkers.

--Not sure if I told you, but I had an MRI on my ankle. Turns out, it's a stress fracture. Yup, I've been hobbling around on a broken ankle for 6 months. Oh the joy.

--On Friday, I'm having a new shed built out in the back yard. It's an 8x12 "Tuff Shed" that'll hold my bike during the winter months (if there ARE any winter months) and some lawn equipment. The guy came out to measure/photograph/etc. today. He was cute, I won't lie to ya. This will also serve as a guest room for any visiting bloggers. :P